Love, Love Hard and Don’t Apologize For It

It hasn’t been that long since I’ve discovered, or at least accepted, that I’m every bit of an INFJ that I never wanted to be.

If you aren’t familiar with what I’m talking about, it’s a Myer’s Briggs personality type that stands for Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging (introverted feeling, extroverted intuition).

And yes, I am all of that and then some and have finally been allowing myself to be who I am. I fought these qualities for a long time. I thought something was wrong with me because I feel so intensely and show emotions so openly and easily.

Emotions can be a roller coaster, sometimes even physically exhausting, but the older I get and the more self aware I become, the more accepting I am to what it REALLY means to love. I’m going to assume that most people think of a significant other or close family member when they hear the word love. And I’ve found that often times that word alone really makes people uncomfortable. It’s a word I didn’t hear much of growing up to be honest. I thought it was a word reserved only for that one and only “love” of a partner or spouse in my life.

Being open and vulnerable can be painful and intense, so when I say I’m every bit INFJ that I never wanted to be, it is that pain that kept me in denial for so long.

Loving is hard. Being sensitive is hard. Being a nurturer is hard. Having intense intuition, or perception, isn’t exactly a walk in the park either, BUT …

• It’s because co-workers knew I was a person they could confide in, knowing I would listen and guide them to a solution without judgement
• It’s because sitting with someone who would become a dear friend while she sobbed, admitting she was having suicidal thoughts and felt unloved, while she allowed me to just hold her, stroke her hair and tell her I loved her
• It’s because I spent the last moments of my Grandmother’s life sitting with her, reading to her, caring for her, only to hear her say that I was her angel
• It’s because I can go up to a lost stranger when I could sense their loneliness and engage in conversation and let myself show them loving kindness by inviting them to lunch, listening and just being there
• It’s because I got to be the person my dear friend took with him when he received the news of his brain cancer, then, as the caretaker and giver HE usually was, allowed me to turn the tables and take care of him until he finally left this world

[ctt_hbox link=”1g8eQ” via=”no” ]It’s because the love you give to another sentient being is what we are put on this earth for. That is our purpose.[/ctt_hbox]

It’s those soulful encounters with others that can leave you uplifted because even a small kind gesture can make someone’s day.

It’s these times that I sit and reflect, sometimes in tears, that I become thankful for what I used to think was a curse.

But sometimes it hurts to love, because unfortunately on the other hand, loving can leave your heart shredded because your connection was so strong, but for whatever reason the connection wasn’t meant to last and you had to say goodbye. Sometimes it is a brief encounter, like when I told the homeless stranger “I love you”, and although I wanted to take her in and make sure she was okay, I could not stay long. Instead, I assured her she was not alone and that there really were people in this world who cared. It’s these times that I sit and reflect, sometimes in tears, that I become thankful for what I used to think was a curse. Sometimes it hurts to love but I’d rather love, and love hard, and possibly hurt just as hard than to lack compassion and empathy.

Sometimes loving hard can scare people away but I’ve also learned that that is okay. It’s the people who accept it that are the ones that remain in my life. And once that connection is there, I won’t stop loving them.

The difference is that when I love and show my sensitivities and emotions now I don’t apologize for it.

And if you’re reading this I can honestly say to you “I love you”!

How about you? How do you feel about love and showing love? Comment below!